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{Monday, April 18, 2011 , 3:51:00 AM}


A beautiful full moon in the sky witnessed how boyfriend went insane. He extremely insane that I switched off and speechless. I turned afraid and dare not speak up especially when few friends were around us. I don't want them to see how bad we are. I didn't want them to know. I want us to settle within us only. It's never my kind to talk openly about what you had did. I've never go around talking about your bad side. Never. I tried few times but it just not me. I already feel bad when i have the intention to try on. I love you. And i believe, loving someone, you shouldn't talk about how bad your partner is towards you. Let me tell you boyfriend, whenever we quarrel, I've never answer them that we are when they ask me. I always say that we both are fine even when we are to the extreme state. I don't want them to think bad about you.

I tell you, I swear I wanted to smack your face for reacting this crazily! The craziest so far. Hitting yourself and shouting right at me. I swear to give you real tight slap. Instead, my hands reached out for you to calm you down. 

Boyfriend, questions keeps coming to me. Maybe we love each other too much that we could have denying our fate. Are we ourselves are a mistake? Why we keep getting this over again? Are we pushing ourselves beyond our fate? Are we really meant to be? :'(

Not only you. I have the thoughts for our future as well. I wonder how it will be if this were to continue. I wonder if we will stay like this for another 2 years to come. Will it be worth? Talking about worth, I'm glad to say that you're still the best I ever had no matter how hurt I am. Even if we were to be separated, my 2 years with you are still something worthwhile and that will be the sweetest memories I ever had. I never regret for taking the decision to be with you, fighting for us and taking the risks to let you still be my another half after shits we had. 

Come to think again, we lack of heart-to-heart talk. We busy with our lives. We have no time to talk about us. Don't you think so? Yes you talk about your school etc which I don't mind at all. I love listening to you complaining and updating me about stuffs. Just that, at times, i can't find the right moments to fit mine. I willing to keep the hurt I feel from you. I afraid I will annoyed you. I afraid to be a burden. I just want to be the best girlfriend to you. But looking at us now, I am not. 

Why are we turning out to be like this? I spotted few issues that might be the causes. Is it because of our past? Hm. I've forgave the person long ago but I can't accept the fact that you did ditched me before. Amazingly I am still here assuring myself we can do better and we are meant to be. I just afraid you will do it again. That is when my insecurities will come along and take part. Paranoid whenever I sense you get too close with someone.   Another issue is, especially, your affection towards others can be overwhelming. I'm jealous. Just like you, getting jealous when I'm out with my friends but put yourself in my shoe. I saw it with my own eyes how loving you are towards your Adiks, Abangs, Sisters, Friends etc. I'm not stopping your from befriends with anyone. I never want to kongkong your circle of friends but tell me how am I supposed to fight it when others putting more oils on me. I'm used to you being like this towards others. Yes, i do tell myself to take it as a friend but I can't. People keep asking me why I never feel jealous or whatever-shits-I-should-feel when you behaving like that? It make me feel such a pathetic girlfriend.

Boyfriend, I really do love you. I do. No matter big or small, hating people or keep the hatred to myself, ditch my time for family/friends, when back home late night just to be with you, getting insecure and when crazy over small issue, keeping my wishes to do things with you even when I have the time to do all those with friends, everything I do, everything, I do it just for you. Just to feel close to you. 

But now I feel so heartbroken that I could not feel anything. Literally I don't know if I should feel mad, sad, depressed. I'd know I love you but it scares me when I can't feel you, my dear. Is going separate way the best for us? Since you need not to think about my insecurities. You can be friend freely with anyone and can start again from where you stop with your past-people. You get what I mean? You can do all the things you wanna do without thinking that you're attached to someone.

Lately, it hard for me to tears when think about us in this state. I feel the hurt but sometimes I can't be bothered about it. I don't care about us. Why boyfriend? Why I must feel that way? I'm very scared to have this feeling. Please tell me that our love is still alive. Please tell me all this while is something real because right now, I feel that all just a dream. 



{Thursday, April 7, 2011 , 1:47:00 AM}


Ages of leaving this place abandon.

I have my bestest boyfriend ever and friends to talk to. Just that at times they understand nothing or won't bother at all. I need space where no one will questions and judge me.

Unlike twitter, i do have friends whom complaint most my tweets are depressing. What you expect, right? It's Twiiter anyway. You let your thoughts out. Tumblr is more better and I loving it! Every post I have posted represent what I feel, what I can't say and what I want. It is really a good place because at times, I can't find my words to describe my mind, Tumblr is always there to help. It have also teaches me a lot of things. I've learnt a lot from there. A good place to search for advises as well.

But, reason being I relive my blog because I just need a place to let out my thoughts somewhere.
So I'll update as and when when needed.

Till then.



About Me


Turns oneyear older on 19sept
I'm talkative and happy-go-lucky
Appears strong but never will be.
Muslim and i proud of it.
Searching for sumthg that last long.
Currently happy with what i have.




As time passed

August 2007, September 2007, October 2007, November 2007, December 2007, January 2008, February 2008, March 2008, April 2008, May 2008, June 2008, July 2008, August 2008, September 2008, October 2008, November 2008, December 2008, January 2009, February 2009, March 2009, April 2009, May 2009, June 2009, July 2009, August 2009, September 2009, October 2009, November 2009, December 2009, January 2010, February 2010, March 2010, April 2010, May 2010, April 2011, June 2011, July 2011, August 2011, September 2011, December 2011, February 2012, March 2012, December 2014,

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