Gosh!
I can be at my lowest point whenever every matters come knocking my door at one time, one shot. One after another playing in my head. I know i am still strong to face all this. I can still bear with this but just till i don't know when. But at times, it really gets tougher for me to hold on. Too much for me to handle. And for real, this heart can get so weak..very very verrrry weak till it do move me to tears. Do you know how much i hate to see myself in this state? I'd also questions myself. Why whenever i about to fixed with my decision, there always be something to change my mind? Why ALL keeps falling apart when i almost done fixing it? Just where is my wrongs? Can somebody tell me..? Who not gets tired if have to do it all over again, and again and again.

Yesh, lately things don't go the way that i expected. Just the way that i want.
All are over the place. Just hate the way it is now. So messed up, everything.
Moreover, i am quite disappointed over certain things. Hmm hopefully it's not for long and not what we all think it is. But if possible, don't wanna it to happen too. Really.

Beside all that, people tend not to realise with what they are saying and doing. Neither do they see nor feel how hurt we all are just because of small changes. It is affecting one or two, or should i say those people around you? By making one simple wrong move can make such a big mess, indeed. Oh well, let us look at the bright side. I'm not blaming anyone. I'm blaming myself for this mess because let just say it is my faults, mostly.
I will just leave it to time, may miracle happen before it's too late.

'It takes a loss before you found it'

I really didn't expect to break down in front of them during lunch break just now. In front of everyone who passing by us, my friends who was sitting with me especially. I really don't know what got into me at that moment. But what i know i was weak at heart at that very point of time. I was too weak till i can't hold my tears no more. Imagine we were talking, and at the other end, i was sharing a few things with Liana. Unwittingly my voice started to change and these eyes get a little wet. And then turned into downpour. Very thank you Liana for lending me your shoulder for me to cry on. I feel so light at heart. Those hug do make me feel secure and believe things will get better someday. Hmm suddenly i feel that it's been a long time since i get to feel those warm hugs from someone when i was down. Thank you girl! :)

But frankly, i do really can't hold it any longer. I tried not to let those tears out from my eyes but futilely, i can't. It just too hurtful for me to ignore, and at the same time too pain for me to bottle all this up. My heart was hurting very badly, seriously. Thanks Liana for trying to pacify me. I know you never expect me to shed tears, neither do i. She also say she dislike seeing me cry partly because she never see me cry before and she never thought i would face this kind of situation and break down suddenly. Sorry to make you guys worried for a moment. Sick worried for my sudden changes. Like i said, i was weak at both mind and heart at that time. So sorry. Since then, i having a slight headache till now. Alermak, sungguh tak fun.

Anyway on another happy side note ;
Congratulation to Kamsani! He's in Top 20 now! I'm so very happy for you.
After dance went home, and watched Jus at Suria. I was so nervous when your name still have not been mentioned. Especially when left only another two person to go into Top 20, a girl and a guy. But after the long wait, akhirnya nama die ade jugak. Alhamdullilah. Like what people say, save the best for the last..kan kan kan? :))

1st May .

Time flies really fast. A month has ended and here comes May. I don't know what May may bring for me this month. I just praying for the best as my down month-April was a real chaotic month for me and us. Yea, it's pretty tough pit-fall but at very least, I'm glad that i still managed to survive till now but until don't know when. Like what my friend said, time isn't favorable to me. I must take things slowly, and don't be rush. So does another of my friend say. He told me that I have change, the smile that i used to have is no longer the same. Not like what i usually am, happy bubbly girl. Indeed, i realized the changes in me. Friend, i didn't seek any help or opinion from you that moment but you can sense something isn't right somewhere. And for that i appreciate it and thankyou for injected some encouragement and agreed a few of what that i have said. Thankyou!

So i really want the best for me and everyone. We have tried of very best to resolve things..fixing all patches as much as we can. Honestly, i am tired with all this. Very much tired as things keep going back to square one in the end. As much as i want to stay, as much as i want this moment to continues, but there's certain point of time whereby it will never turn out to be the way we want. We always have to give in, and always have to accept the fact that something have to be let go, no matter how reluctant u feel. Making it even worse, if someone always wants things to get done asap because the overcome will turn out bad.

What about my love wise? As far as you know, i have lost track about this. It been yearssss since i last felt the meaning of it. To that particular guy, just so you know, it took me two solid years to accept reality that us is gone. I'm not mad at for leaving me this way, having bad thinking about guys. Instead, I'm thankful because you taught me to the meaning of appreciation, the meaning of REAL lost and so forth. You used to have everything it takes. But hey, hatred did filled my heart towards you. I'm still mending my wound and trying to trust people again. Our indelible memories was the only thing that keeps me moving on. I waited for years and hoping for another us again. Friends saw how hard it was for me to encroach you away, eventually. Still, every now and then, there will always things that will reminds me of you,..still misses you. I smile when things reminds me of you. But i know the fact we both are a goodfriend. And I'm glad, very happy :)

After for that so long, I lost in touch with relationship. I feel awkward/uncomfortable/don't-know-what-to-do when it comes to love matter now. I tend to run away from it no matter how hard i try to deal with it. Because i afraid to be hurt twice. I afraid to be go thru' it once more. Once is vastly enough for me. But on the other hand, UNWITTINGLY, i might give hope to them, and i profusely feel bad for that. I really fear of people having bad thinking about me. I truly afraid of that, truly. I hate myself for not so sure with the feeling in me. I can't seems to find the love in me anymore. To sum it all, i end up getting confused and lost and dragging other people even confused with me. Making them suffer, and difficult for them to make the next move. Thus, the problem lies only with me not them. I always be the reason why for this thingy, always! My previous love engulf a major impact to me. I hate myself for letting it affecting me up till now. So ya, if they have to blame anyone, put the blame on me. Like what one of my friend said, I'm the author and narrator. Everything is up to me to decide. I'm sure they don't want to prolong it any further. I really have to do something about this, but in my own pace, my own way. I have to make moves that might not be a good move for us & everyone. I have enough feeling badd all this longgg. Afterall i'm just wasting everyone time. They also giving up on me. Oh well i can see they sick and tired already. So true...

I don't see the needs to feel regret for what i have said. Even if i feel that way, I have to face it in any form. I have to be prepared. There's no way for us to turn back the clock. To the time where everyone was fair in everything and happy moments. Goodbye may be the last resort for everything. Unfortunately, things are getting much much obvious to be different, and therefore, people are acting differently. People are changing. Their behaviour pained me much. The way they speaks and response. In short, everything seems to be off track on the other side of us. Maybe because we are rushing things too much.