Dear Blog,

Today marked our 2 weeks. 2 weeks without my Prettyboy. Yes, we decided to go our separate ways on 11 September. Whatever happened that night shall be remembered. Everything. From the supper we had, the conversation we had, the moments when our eyes couldn't stare at each other for long.. afraid to find something magic happen, the heartbreaking seconds to let words flow out from our mouth, the awkward moments that simply hurts the heart as well. Basically everything still vividly still in my mind.

And the night I spent at his house. The night I got to spent just with his dad. The stories, dreams, family, advises that shared by him in that one night. I can't denied, it simply make me fell inlove with his family more. The love that his father shared on how much he love Prettyboy so much, the sacrifices he made etc. Such a heartwarming to hear those. Really. The moment when his father touched about my family. Since Prettyboy have yet to meet my parents(even we were together for 2 year 7months), his father doesn't mind to meet them. To get to know as a family. And i still remember he said, "Yelah mana tau ada jodoh nanti kite berbesan." You don't know how much strength I'd gathered to stop my tears from falling. I wish I could tell your dad what just happened that very night. Hoping to ease the restless feelings I had.

I didn't even sleep. Too worried about us. On what will my days be without you after this. Will things that we always do like text/calls/calling names stop? Will I be able to survive without heartache and missing you? Everything just oozed through my head. Killing me silently. I kept hooking my eyes on you for awhile, every few minutes. Making sure you were okay there laying. I watched you sleeping peacefully after the tragic you had. Nevertheless, I smiled. I'd never thought I could even watch you sleeping like this. Now I know how it feels like to have and see someone you love with you right before you close your eyes to sleep and waking up the next day. Yes, I never thought I could have this chance to feel and go through it. Amazing moment.

Look, in one night, so much of heartbreaking moments for our break up, the things I found out myself to clarify my doubts and assumptions that been bugging me were true (sorry I have to).. and yet there are still blissful moments in it. Seriously, it was a night to be remembered. I swear I cherished it as much as I can. The time ticked real slow seemed to allow me in doing so. How could it be so real amazing? I still thank Allah for all this. A beautiful nightmare I shall say.

Prettyboy, I wish you knew how much I long to be in your arms. I wish you knew I miss your warmth. I wish you knew you has always be you in my mind all day long. I wish you knew how much I miss you so. I wish you knew I really need your hug. I miss your voice. I miss your touch. I wish you knew how much strength you still give for me to go through my days just by thinking of you. I wish you knew my eyes would fill with tears for longing for you. I miss your laugh. I miss your forehead kisses. I miss your teasing and playing with my nose. I miss your nags. I miss your complains. I miss you whisper words to my ears. I wish you knew I miss everything about you. I miss my man because I really really do.

So, 2 weeks without you. It ain't easy. I still live my days exactly how when I was still with you. Hoping for miracle to happen. Hoping for your texts/calls. Hoping you missing me and think of me etc just like I do every single day. Still the same for now and I bet it will always be everyday but I'm trying my best to change this daily routine. Hm as much i don't want but perhaps, I should? I don't know. Gotta move on with life. Let time do it jobs.

Just in case you are reading this, I NEVER regret knowing and had you once in my life. I NEVER regret making you once as my breath through this relationship, as my another half, as my life. I've been sincerely loving you my whole heart. Only for you. I sincerely accept the pains I went and heartaches that I will be going through. I sincerely apologies for my insecurities all this while that have FOREVER be the issue. I sincerely apologies for my jealousy. Sincerely apologies for being too attached/clingy to you. Sincerely apologies for being demanding and annoying. Sincerely apologies for being selfish, each and everything in this relationship. Just so you know it is all because I love you so much. I want you ALL to myself. I just really afraid that other people might get to finally see what I'd see in you. I don't want others to have you. And, my greatest fear is losing you.

I'm facing my fear right now. Fighting it. You may not know how many times I fall back on my knees whenever I think about us. You may not see the pains, heartbreaks and crazy days I having right now. Yes, I know I'm not the only one because I believe you are having your tough days just like me. Someday, we will get over this. It's a matter of time we will get used to it. No worries my love, I still wish you all the best in your life. You still have my well prayers accompany throughout your days. Always. I promise.

Such a blessed happiness. I thank Allah for giving me the bestest gift so far in my life. I'm grateful for the experiences and each moments we spent together. Regardless ups and downs we had. You're the bestest bestest moments that happened in my life, Muhammad Kassim bin Sabari.

Dear Blog,

Here I am again ranting my feelings. Things been really out of control. Yes, there's no other things except about me and Prettyboy. He's the only reason I have that can make me smile. He is also the only reason that can tear my heart apart. I'm not saying he is a bad person. I'm not saying he is someone who's not worth having. All those things I've ranted here about him, im not trying to say that he's useless etc. He's the best thing I ever had. He is still despite what I've gone through. You never know what's true love is without true pain. We do have our good moments, alot. But lately it just ironic that I've forgotten those moments we had. It do freaked me. I can't remember how we used to be before this. How we communicate. How we actually can talk about everything under the sun freely. I miss those. I miss having you texting me, calling me during your free time in school, randomly sweet texts, your voice, your warmth. All. I miss having the feeling to be loved by you. :(

I've always feel that I've been replaced by the people you met along the way. You always make me feel worthless. I've never know the feeling of worthless till this is actually how it does feels like. Yes, I know you do love me which I can't denied as well. But why didnt you show it to me just like how you have towards others? Why you can do to them but not to me? If you did, then tell me what have you did? You know, lately after all those incidents, it got me even more insecure. You don't know cause I'll never tell you. Why? Cause I'm afraid of getting the blame for my insecurities again. You dislike it. So I keep it. I stand on my own feet with all my emotions. I believe I am strong. But ended up, I cry to myself each night.

At times, I'm asking myself. Who am I to you? Why I feel just the same as those people in your life. Im not saying you can't befriends with people. I'm not saying you can love them or whatsoever. You can. I never want to stop all these things cause I know you the kind who needs people around you. You need attention, love and care not only from me the world to support you. I'm okay with it. But just that, it's unfair for me you see. I don't want what others have but I just want what I deserve.

I wonder if you do ever feel of afraid of losing me? Have you? I wonder if those tears I cried for you even infront of you made you feel guilty, remorse of whatsoever. I wonder if I even important to you. I wonder if I ever change your life to better since we met. I wonder if you actually feel what I feel and can see the hurts right through my eyes. I wonder if you actually sense my sadness behind me smile. I guess not.

It is really sad moments then lately whenever we meet, I am afraid to look into your eyes. I afraid to find the answer to how long more you wil stay with me. I am afraid of losing you for sure. But yet again, what about you?

You know, it do REALLY scares me to see us going through this phase. Hanging by the thread. Going with the flow. We know things isnt right but ignorance is what we choose to be. I wanna make things better and sort things out asap but you and your time. It's never a prefect time for me to say my points or views. I'm tired of waiting when and it kills me slowly. I bear with the pain because I don't want to spoil your day with my feelings. Yes, for you I hang on to myself. You told me to share but when I do, you will push me away each time. It's sad. I hope you now know the reason to why you always didnt get to know my another side.

Our love seems so cold now. I lost touch with you since the time off. I've lost the reach of you. You're too far. We're losing each other. School is not the thing. I understand the hectic schedule you have. I truly understand that. Yo have my support to your dreams. It just they way you do etc that make me feel isolated and drifting apart.

It sad me when you said that I'm demanding. As far as I can remember, I've never ask anything from you. I just want to get what I deserve. I just want to feel loved and special. This time, I need you to hear me, i need your to understand me as your girlfriend and as lady, I need your a little time and you to hold me make sure I'm all safe again with you. Is that asking too much? I seriously never ask anything for you. I've been healing myself all this while if you can remember. Whenever you know I'm sad or mad, all you did was asking me to calm down and find you when I'm cool. You left me find my own strength and do you know how hard it is for me when all I need was just you? You never once convince me that things will be okay. Maybe im asking too much from you when I really needed to be safe. I'm really slipping away in my own world. :'(

At times, I'm too hearbroken till I dont even know why I was mad at you. Too hurt to even remember the causes of it. We're now acting more like friends now. Strangers? We aren't like before. I'm sure you notice. We used to text/call each morning/afternoon/night. We cant go a day without each other but now we can even for for weeks without each other?! Ironic isnt it? Gahh! So sad! :'( Why Prettyboy? What have we becoming?

All I need is to feel appreciated and love. I need you to need me but you never want/need me just like how you have for others, seriously. Worthless feelings is really shitty and sucks big time! You always busy with other's attention and love. You get upset when they ignore your efforts but you will definitely go HAPPY when they start convo with you. You show them how much you afraid of losing them then . How much you miss and love them. Then me? You never said it once that you are afraid of losing me. I really wonder what's on your mind when you actually saw me crying at my worst hoping for you to save me. I really wonder if you actually care and if it really make you feel you really got to do something to us. I really want you to save me, no one else. Cause I really need you. Cause I really do loveyou.

I swear what sad me the most is when i have doubts to what you said to me. I wonder if it sincerely from you or you're just saying for the sake of it. Now I feel im been replaced by K. You keep mentioning him. You keep saying you still remember how he could actually cried for you. He afraid of losing you. He needs me etc. You should see how over the moon you are. So, all i could do is just to smile. I'm happy for you for sure that you are happy but it hurt me silently. Thinking if those days I cried for you actually you do feel like this too. But you didnt show me. But for K, you show to him. I bet he's the one you search for now. Since we no longer texting/calling each other rarely now. I hear and witness it my ownself. Like i said, we no longer like how we supposed to be towards each other.

And you make me feel worthless because I don't know if I'm wrong or otherwise.. but you will only come find me when you have no one with you .When you are bored and when you are left alone. Do you?

Oh well, people change. And I've changed to. Like you said I'm no longer the person you used to know. But the actually fact is that I'm still me. It just that I change to the person you want me to be. Since you even said that youcant change, so i change for you. You wanted me to tone down my insecurity, I do. It SURELY hard for me not to get insecure things that happens around me because it's women's nature to feel insecure but since you dislike it, I control my emotions By not to care and not bother those things that upset me. I keep telling myself dont burst or whatsoever. I fight myself. You wanted me to not get jealous easily. So I did. I ignore those things/convo you have with your friends that may seems to be abit over etc. You overwelme affection that you always have towards others. I keep telling myself they are just friends and you love me more than them. I try telling myself I still have you here with me. Yes, it's NEVER easy. I get jealous because you are mine and iloveyou. So when people starting to get your attention it sure bothers me alot. But yet again, I control myself and keep it.

Now, I've becoming what you want. All these things I tried to do for you and us. I tell myself to put myself in your shoe. But it making me more worse. I even feel useless as a girlfriend and worthless to myself. All these that you want me to be has actually making me immune to it. It's a norm thing now. I'm used to behaving like how I keep telling myself each day. Im starting to not care or bother. I starting to go with the flow. I starting to get worried when I'm not getting jealous to things that i used to. I get worried when I'm no longer feel myself. I starting to feel how doesnt love actually feels like. Prettyboy, this really scares the shit out of me. I'm am truly afraid. I afraid. I am afraid. Why you still didnt come and rescue me???? When it the prefect time??? When? I need you. I need you to hold me back once more. :'( please.

I miss you. I miss the old us. I miss everything about us. I keep playing how happy we used to be back then till it got me freaked that I cant seems to remember a thing now. What even saddest when I even miss you even when you are just right next to me. That's how far apart we both are. It's just painfully hurtful.

All this is not to make you feel useless or a bad boyfriend to me. You're really one in a million and still the best ever thing that I have in my life.

I'm still here waiting for your return. Waiting for your rescue but I really hope by then we still have the time to fix this mess up. I hope it's not too late cause waiting at times can tire a person so much.

Iloveyoudeeplymuch, Prettyboy,

:'(

I'm happy that we are okay now.(: